I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
3 2 1 whiskey
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
