I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
