Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
