Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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