i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i will never coherently bang her
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
