is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
