just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Even my vagina gasped.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
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Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
At least life still wants to fuck me.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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