I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
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