Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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