Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
