Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating