I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I think I just sharted jello shots
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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