I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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