if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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