I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
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Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
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My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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