Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
