we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
