one word: firstdatebathroomanal
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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