I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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