perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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