my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
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