so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
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