You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize
