Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
