Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
