I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Randomize
