ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
