Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
