i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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