Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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