just survived the first fart of the relationship.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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