I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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