I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
