my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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