Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
