We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
