we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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