when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
