When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
