I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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