my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
