I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
