clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Drunk is a universal language darling
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
