i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
