he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
