Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
