curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Someone came in the potted fern
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
