I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
