I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
