Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
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Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
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Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.