I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
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No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
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mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.