There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
