he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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