Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
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