Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
