TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
smell my finger.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
