I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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