I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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