I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize
