he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
