After last night, I could never be a politician.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
