I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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