I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize