I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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